I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
