I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
