I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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