The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
