i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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