I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize