Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
