Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
