Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
