We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize