The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
