My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize