btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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