I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
