when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
