Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I fill condoms, not promises.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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