apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
