I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
