I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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