separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
