I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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