If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
