Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
