Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
