i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
