I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
