the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
