It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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