Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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