We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
