I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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