Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
