last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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