You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
