the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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