...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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