I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
When are your genitals available?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
