Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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