i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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