I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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