So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
