Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
