That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
