I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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