found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
God, I missed his penis.
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