Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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