im holly from the hills drunk
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize