You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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