the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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