Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
