The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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