i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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