i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
