You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
