omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
