Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
