Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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